Fear

Fear : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

When Joey and I were dating, he enjoyed trying to scare me.

Until he succeeded.

We were at his apartment. I came out of the bathroom and walked down the hall. It was dark. He quietly came out of his room, grabbed me from behind and yelled. I screamed, sat down on the floor, and started to cry. This baffled him. Why would I sit down and cry when I was being attacked!?! I don't know why...that's just what I did.

He hasn't scared me since. Until last month.

It was almost dark outside. For some reason he and I were going out the front door and toward the driveway. He walked out a few minutes before me and, you guessed it, hid just to the left of our front door. I walk out and go right. Once again, he comes up behind and grabs me. I yell, turn around, and start hitting him. And when I realized it was him, I kept hitting him until the rest of my fear was out!

Fear makes me cry. Fear makes me hit.

This week I experienced a different kind of fear. Instead of the "awareness of danger" fear where Joey was scaring me, it was the "strong emotion caused by anticipation" fear. That type of fear makes me clean. Clean the house, the car, whatever I can get my hands on.

Carson has been sick this week. It started last Sunday night and became progressively worse until we ended up in the ER Saturday afternoon. It was on Tuesday when I first thought something was wrong. Carson had some odd symptoms and very high fever. When I googled the symptoms, the results said: Mono, Lymphoma, or AIDS. Well....I ruled out AIDS pretty quick. And out of the other two, I automatically chose the worse. It seemed the most likely given his history.

That's when I started cleaning.

Fear kicked in. How quickly I forgot God. I realized days later what I had done.

Just a little over a week ago I spoke to a group of Church Planter's Wives at their orientation. I shared Carson's story with them. I told them how God healed Carson just 15 days into his treatment. And then, three days after that speech, my son is sick and I forget God's miracle. It seems that if I truely believed that God healed him, I would have chosen Mono from the list instead of Lymphoma. The fear overshadowed my faith.

I felt like the Old Testament Israelites. How many miracles did God have to show for them to believe?

On Wednesday we went to the pediatrician. On Thursday Carson's bloodwork came back showing no sign of relapse. A precious friend then reminded me that God healed my son from his cancer over five years ago. If she could have reached through the phone and shook me, I think she would have.

The story continues..... Carson didn't get better, he got worse. Back to the doctor on Friday. Bloodwork. X-rays. Saturday, still no improvement, so we are sent to the ER.

But this time my frame of mind was off me and on God.

What a difference that makes. Instead of constant tears and the compulsive need to clean everything in sight, I knew that my sovereign God was in charge. Regardless of the outcome.

Carson is still in the hospital tonight. They have run many more tests including a spinal tap. There is still nothing there to suggest a relapse. As of today his fever is gone. He is still in some pain, but did get up and play today. He still isn't eating much, but did manage to get down two chicken legs for breakfast this morning! His counts were up a little today and most of the doctor's concerns have been quelled.

Good counts and no fever tomorrow will mean he gets to come home.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for Carson and our family this week. Many of you have walked this journey with us from the very beginning over five years ago. I pray that even in my times of doubting (like this week), I will still continue to glorify God with our journey and our life.